


How to Fully Enjoy the Perks of Being Iwa-chan's Boyfriend

by afuzzyowl



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Fluff, Humor, M/M, as in oikawa is real thirsty, iwaizumi's the bee's knees, iwaoi live together, makki and mattsun are fed up with his shit, they're in high school i guess, warning: this is stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-29 20:11:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6391603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afuzzyowl/pseuds/afuzzyowl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><br/>Ten privileges of being Iwaizumi's boyfriend: a guide by Oikawa Tooru.</p><blockquote>
  <p>    <i>Number one: getting to grope Iwaizumi’s biceps whenever he wanted to.</i> </p>
  <p>“Mmmm, Iwa-chaaaan,” Oikawa moaned obscenely as he rubbed his face against Iwaizumi’s arms. “Your biceps are so buff, so manly, so <i>hard</i>, I just want to touch and lick and suck and bite them all day, oh god, look at the <i>veins</i>.” </p>
  <p>“Oikawa, I’m trying to study.”</p>
</blockquote>
            </blockquote>





	How to Fully Enjoy the Perks of Being Iwa-chan's Boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in like an hour i'm sorry it sucks

While being Iwaizumi’s best friend had always been real neat, becoming his boyfriend introduced perks on a whole other level of awesomeness. Oikawa could do things he’d wanted to since he was fifteen but had been too cowardly to try, and so now he made up for lost time by exploiting all of his newly discovered Boyfriend Privileges at every possible opportunity.

In particular, ten very important ones.

* * *

_Number one: groping Iwaizumi’s biceps whenever he wanted to._

“Mmmm, Iwa-chaaaan,” Oikawa moaned obscenely as he rubbed his face against Iwaizumi’s arms. “Your biceps are so buff, so manly, so _hard_ , I just want to touch and lick and suck and bite them all day, oh god, look at the _veins_.”

A week into the new relationship, Iwaizumi had blushed and stuttered any time Oikawa so much as nonchalantly commented on his physique, but now he didn’t even look away from his textbook. “Oikawa, I’m trying to study.”

“Oh, don’t let me get in your way,” Oikawa purred. “I’ll just be here, smelling you.”

“I so regret helping them get together,” Hanamaki muttered, violently sucking at his juice. “Our sacred rooftop lunch time has been defiled.”

Matsukawa nodded in sorrowful agreement. “What were we thinking?”

“Shut up, you two. You’re just jealous we’re all lovey-dovey.” Oikawa fluttered his eyelashes. “Hashtag relationship goals.”

Hanamaki threw his juice box on the ground. “That’s it. Matsukawa, we’re breaking them up.”

“Ooooh, count me in. How shall we do it?”

“We’ll each seduce one of them. I call dibs on Iwaizumi.”

“What, that’s so not fair! Who in their right mind would want Oikawa! No offense, Iwaizumi.”

“None taken.”

“No, too bad! My plan, my dibs!”

“I’m not taking part of this, then! I’m sorry, Hanamaki, but the sacrifices you’re asking for are just too great. You’ll have to find someone else this time.”

“UM, EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE KNOWS I’M A TOTAL CATCH. Right, Iwa-chan?”

“I dunno, I just ended up here 'cause the fangirls shipped it.”

“IWA-CHAN, YOU’RE SO MEAN!!!!”

* * *

_Number two: dragging Iwaizumi into secluded corners to make out._

“Please, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa pulled his best puppy dog eyes. “I wanna kiss chuuuuu~”

Iwaizumi’s mouth curled in disgust. “Was that a pun? Tell me that wasn’t a pun.”

“It was, but I’ll lie and say it wasn’t if you’ll make out with me over there!”

“Oikawa, I am not going to make out with you in some mouldy corner of the boys’ bathroom. And I’m trying to piss, so can you go away for a bit?”

“Aw, Iwa-chan, why so shy! It’s nothing I haven’t seen before!”

“Seeing my dick is different from watching me pee, Shittykawa. Just. Stop staring.”

“No, I mean I’ve seen you pee before, too!”

“...You what?”

“Well, what else am I supposed to do when you go to the bathroom and leave me all alone in your room? Just sit there and wait? You know I get lonely!”

“...That’s it, we’re breaking up. I’m done. So long. Farewell.”

“NOOOOO, IWA-CHAN!!!!!!!!”

* * *

_Number three: getting to say Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas/Congrats on the sex/any other holiday or special occasion to Iwaizumi first._

Oikawa eyed the clock with bated breath, watching the second hand tick closer and closer to twelve, sweat trickling from his hairline. Finally, it hit, and he shot up from the bed with a whoop, jostling Iwaizumi who’d been peacefully sleeping beside him.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IWA-CHAN!” he shouted, bouncing in excitement, making the other boy flop around.

“Muh?” Iwaizumi grunted. His phone buzzed on the nightstand, _probably with a Happy Birthday text from some ho_ , Oikawa thought viciously. When Iwaizumi blearily tapped around the table in search of it, Oikawa gasped in horror.

“NO!” He grabbed the phone and stuck it under his pillow. “You’re mine for today, Iwa-chan!”

“But it’s my birthday, not yours,” Iwaizumi groaned, pulling the covers over his head.

“Yeah, but I’ve planned so many fun things for you! So you’re mine! Just for the next twenty-four hours, okay, Iwa-chan, pleeaaaase?”

A gloriously muscled arm poked out from under the comforter and looped around Oikawa’s waist, and he squawked as it dragged him back down into Iwaizumi’s chest. Iwaizumi threw a leg over his, tugging him close, eyes squinting open.

“I’m yours every day anyway, Trashykawa,” he sighed, nuzzling into Oikawa’s neck. “So let me sleep and we’ll do whatever you want in the morning, okay?”

Oikawa blinked rapidly, rolling his bottom lip between his teeth as he blushed. Iwa-chan was such a ladykiller.

“'Kay,” he conceded.

* * *

_Number four: wearing Iwaizumi’s clothes._

“Why’s he looking at us like that,” Matsukawa hissed to Hanamaki, who just shrugged and scanned around for their savior. Unfortunately, Iwaizumi was still in line for overpriced food court udon and wouldn’t be back for a while.

“I dunno, but I ain’t humoring him,” Hanamaki whispered back, and nudged Matsukawa. “You do it.”

“No, you.”

“No, you.”

“No, you, I insist.”

“No, you, _I_ insist.”

“No—”

“SO HAVE YOU GUYS NOTICED ANYTHING _DIFFERENT_ ABOUT ME TODAY?” Oikawa sang, leaping to his feet and twirling around.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa simultaneously groaned and put their faces in their hands as people at the surrounding tables looked up at Oikawa curiously.

“Oh, c’mon, it’s not that hard! Guess!”

“I hate when people make me guess things,” Hanamaki grumbled.

“Same here, but if we don’t, he’s gonna be a pain in the ass.”

“Ugh, you’re right. Fine. Let’s see. Oh, I wonder. Did the great Oikawa-san perhaps change his shampoo?”

“Nope!” Oikawa chirped.

“Conditioner?”

“Nope!”

“Cologne?”

“Nope, I don’t wear any! If I smell good, that’s just the scent of me and Iwa-chan combined because this morning we had a couple rounds of seriously mind-boggling s—”

“IS IT YOUR EYE COLOR?” Matsukawa hollered, the picture of true desperation. “YOU...CHANGED EYE COLORS?”

“What the hell, Matsukawa, you don’t know Oikawa’s eye color?”

“Well, _sorry_ , I don’t exactly spend my days staring into Oikawa’s eyes, unlike some other crazy person we know.”

“IT’S MY CLOTHES!” Oikawa finally screeched, dancing in a circle.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa stared. “Okay.”

“YOU CAN TELL THEY AREN'T MINE BECAUSE THEY’RE SO LOOSE AROUND THE ARMS AND THIGHS! BECAUSE IWA-CHAN’S SO BUFF! Speaking of buff, he’s so STRONG too, ‘cause this morning, he held me against the wall and just, _oh_ —”

“Bye, Matsukawa, I’ll see you at school tomorrow,” Hanamaki said with a serene smile and crouched on the ground like a sprinter about to take off.

“No, wait, take me with you!”

Iwaizumi strolled over with two trays and raised an eyebrow at the scene before him. “Hanamaki, where are you going?”

“To a world where IwaOi doesn’t exist. Hasta la vista, baby.”

“No, seriously, Hanamaki, take me with you!!!”

“IWA-CHAN, DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME TODAY?”

* * *

_Number five: groping Iwaizumi’s butt whenever he wanted to._

“Morning,” Oikawa whistled as he headed for the coffee machine, pinching a half-asleep Iwaizumi’s butt on the way. “Mmm, tight.” Iwaizumi grunted.

“Afternoon,” Oikawa trilled as he headed for the front of the classroom where the teacher was waiting for him to solve a problem, pinching a mostly asleep Iwaizumi’s butt on the way. “Mmm, bouncy.” Iwaizumi yelped.

“Evening,” Oikawa crooned as he headed for the dining room to set the table, pinching a fully awake Iwaizumi’s butt on the way. “Mmm, perky.” Iwaizumi rolled his eyes.

“Night,” Oikawa murmured as he headed for the shower, pinching a nodding-off Iwaizumi’s butt on the way. “Mmm, bubbl—WHOA!” Iwaizumi had snapped awake and abruptly thrown Oikawa over his shoulder before proceeding to stalk towards the bathroom, all the while casually flinging his own clothes off.

“I’m gonna get you back for all that,” he growled, and Oikawa swooned.

“Iwa-chan, so manly!”

* * *

_Number six: rubbing into the faces of Iwaizumi’s potential suitors that he was taken._

“U-Um, Iwaizumi-senpai, this is for you...” the cute girl said, cheeks deliciously pink, offering a perfumed letter with both hands. “I heard you didn’t have a girlfriend, so...um...I’ve noticed you for a while now, and I really admire your passion and skill for volleyball, and how patient and kind you are with everyone, even me, despite us not knowing each other very well...um...” Her voice became increasingly soft until she stopped, looking down.

“What’s wrong?” Oikawa blinked. “Keep going, don’t mind me! I’m just here to appreciate how much my _boyfriend_ is adored by cute girls, that’s all! Please continue!”

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi bit out. “Stop pretending your ankles are broken and get off my back. This is a private moment.”

“WH—HOW COULD YOU, IWA-CHAN?! ANY MOMENT THAT INVOLVES YOU IS A MOMENT THAT BELONGS TO ME, TOO!”

“Um...I’m sorry, I didn’t know about you and Oikawa-senpai...maybe I should go...”

“No, no! Please, don’t be shy! Iwa-chan’s taken already but I also like hearing that others appreciate my _boyfriend’s_ amazingness!”

*

“Iwaizumi-kun, uh, I know you have a boyfriend,” the pretty boy said, wringing his hands adorably. “But I just wanted to let you know that I really like you, and I have for a while now, even though there’s no chance of you returning my feelings. Uh. Yeah.”

“Oh, was that all?” Oikawa shouted from behind the door to the gym’s storage room. Iwaizumi face-palmed. “That was kinda lackluster! Aren’t you gonna praise my _boyfriend_ some more? Iwa-chan’s totally cool and badass and has great reflexes and everything! Too bad he’s taken already, right? Haha!”

*

“Iwaizumi-senpai, would you mind teaching me how to spike?” the sparkly-eyed first year implored. “I just think your form is great, and your power and timing and, like, everything else, too! I’d love to learn from you, if that’s all right! You’re so awesome!!”

“I know, right?!” Oikawa popped up out of nowhere, grabbing the first year in a headlock. “It’s too bad he’s taken though, isn’t it!”

*

“Iwaizumi-kun, could I copy your notes from last algebra class? I was sick that day, and you have nice handwriting, so I was wondering if maybe you wouldn’t mind?”

“You’re right, his notes are super detailed and tidy!” Oikawa exclaimed from across the classroom, brandishing Iwaizumi’s notebook. “I bet you wish you could marry him, right? He’s taken though, sorry!”

*

“Iwaizumi-kun, would you mind distributing these handouts for me? We’ll be using them in class later.”

“It’s fine, sensei, I’ll do it for you!” Oikawa snatched the stack with a wide grin. “Iwa-chan’s just a little preoccupied right now, you know, since he’s taken by me—OH MY GOSH, not _being_ taken by me, wow, I did not mean it that way! We only do that kinda thing in private!”

*

“Nice to meet you, Iwaizumi, I’m the new coach for the volleyball tea—”

“HE’S TAKEN!” Oikawa roared.

* * *

_Number seven: clinging to Iwaizumi in public._

“Never let me go,” Oikawa whimpered against Iwaizumi’s shoulder, body curled around his arm.

“Oikawa, it’s my turn to serve. Let go.”

“Shhh, Iwa-chan, it’s okay. The ball will serve itself.”

“Coach, I’m assassinating Oikawa,” Hanamaki declared.

* * *

_Number eight: being the first to hear about Iwaizumi’s crappy day._

“Iwa-chan, complain to me,” Oikawa urged. “You can tell me anything, I promise!”

“But I don’t have anything to complain about right now.”

“Well, think of something!”

“Fine. How ‘bout ‘my boyfriend’s an annoying shit’?”

“WOOOOOOOOW, IWA-CHAN, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO HURT ME LIKE THIS???”

“Wait, actually, there _is_ one thing that’s been bothering me lately.”

“What?!” Oikawa gasped. “What is it?!”

Iwaizumi rubbed his chin. “It’s just...sometimes my boyfriend is really cute, and I end up not knowing what to do with myself, you know? Real troubling.”

“O-O-O-O-Oh my _GOD_ , Iwa-chan,” Oikawa gushed, lightheaded. “I think you’re the absolute most delightful creature in the universe, too! After me, of course! And maybe E.T.!”

“Cool. Does that mean we can watch Die Hard instead of Star Trek tonight, then?”

“Of course, anything for you, Iwa-chan!”

Iwaizumi turned and looked at the camera like in The Office and held up a peace sign.

“I’m assassinating them both,” Hanamaki sobbed.

* * *

_Number nine: groping Iwaizumi’s pecs whenever he wanted to._

“Do you think...these are maybe a B-cup?” Oikawa wondered, hands under Iwaizumi’s shirt and merrily squeezing away.

“Oikawa, we’re in public. People are staring.”

Oikawa ignored him. “Holy BALONEY, IWA-CHAN, LOOK AT THIS, THIS WAS MADE FOR YOU!!” He’d snagged a white dress shirt from a nearby stand and was now holding it up against Iwaizumi, one eye pinched shut and tongue sticking out.

“This looks kinda small,” the other boy said.

“Nonsense! You won’t know until you try! Come along now!”

Oikawa shoved him into one of the changing rooms and slammed the door shut before plopping down on a sofa, giddily pulling out his phone.

Some rustling and a dozen dazzling selfies later, Iwaizumi said from behind the door, “Uh, Oikawa...this...really is a little too small.”

“Come—” Oikawa’s voice cracked and he had to clear his throat, “come out and show me!”

“...Fine.”

As soon as Iwaizumi stepped out, Oikawa was snapping a billion pictures, trying to keep the drool from overflowing out of his mouth. The button-up was tight over bulging pectorals and thin enough that he could just barely make out the shape and shadow of Iwaizumi’s nipples.

Iwaizumi reached up to cover his face from the camera, yelling about using flash in public or something, when suddenly the button at his collarbone popped off and nailed Oikawa square in the forehead.

Oikawa cried out and slapped a hand over the button. He stared down at it in shock, then looked back up at Iwaizumi, whose shirt was gaping open to reveal a deep V of his naked chest, all defined edges of thick muscles, the swell of smooth, tan skin. Oikawa choked on his spit.

“We’re buying that shirt,” he wheezed.

(That day, he learned what it felt like to hobble around Target for an hour with a hard-on.)

* * *

_Finally, number ten: before-bedtime chats with Iwaizumi of which the subject ranged anywhere from Matsukawa’s crappy jokes to super serious communication about their relationship._

“Iwa-chan?”

“Hm?”

“So, like, are you sure there’s nothing you wanted to complain about?”

“What? No, not really. Why?”

“Are you positive? Are you supercalifragilisticexpialidociously positive? Nothing at all? Even about...say...me?”

“Well, like I’ve said before, you’re annoying as all hell. But, y’know, I deal with it.”

“WOOOOOOW, IWA-CHAN, RUDE! I was gonna offer to make out with you to help you feel better about whatever was bothering you but I GUESS NOT.”

“Oh, you wanted to make out? Why didn’t you just say so? C’mere.”

“Wh—wait—what? That’s not—that’s not what I—”

“What, so you don’t want to?”

“...”

“...”

“...I want to.”

“Okay.”

* * *

_Extra:_

“Hey, Hanamaki, I’m coming i—” Matsukawa flinched back in surprise as he took in the hundreds of pictures covering Hanamaki’s bedroom walls, black Sharpie arrows and notes scribbled everywhere, faces desecrated in doodles...no. Not faces. Just one face. “H-Hanamaki, what...what are you...”

Hanamaki turned around with a glint in his eye, a marker clenched between his teeth.

“I’f flahhing a herfer,” he hissed conspiratorially.

Matsukawa balked. “S-Sorry, what was that?”

Hanamaki spat out his marker. “I’M PLANNING A MURDER, GODDAMMIT!”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading till the end! hope you enjoyed...lol...


End file.
